It was something so normalized.

During the summer before my senior year of high school, I found myself spending time with a mostly male crowd. Being the only girl in a group of boys made me notice things that really made me think, “Wow, I only hang out with dudes.”

It was little stuff that I usually looked over, until one day when I was with my usual group of “bros” and we started talking about dating, relationships, and sex. They were sharing their sexual pursuits and missions, girls they had, and girls they wished to have.

To their surprise, I spoke their language. It wasn’t difficult for me to catch up with the conversation. I was in the know-how; I knew what boys my age were like and I knew how they acted toward girls.

I told them I was the same way toward boys. In response, they told me that I “acted like a homeboy.”

Hearing those words, I felt myself get proud and cocky, as if I accomplished something great. I thought to myself, “Yeah, I’m not like these other females.”

But what exactly did those words mean?

When asked why they prefer to not hang out with girls, boys tend to describe girls as “sensitive,” “overly emotional,” and “always in their feelings.”

This is because boys view emotions as a sign of weakness. Whenever boys tell stories about girls, their favorite part is always when they left and “ghosted” the girl into oblivion. They love to announce that they “don’t have love for these hoes,” and that they would and will do it again to another girl.

They know what they are doing to those girls, and they don’t care.

That was when it started to make sense—the lack of sensitivity, the lack of compassion, the lack of intimacy, and the nonchalant attitude is how boys define themselves.

I was a homeboy because I told them about my own pursuits. I told them about the boys I lead on and then left in the dust. While texting a boy, I once thought out loud, “If I’m not getting anything out of this, he does not need to be texting me.”

I was a homeboy because I had never gotten my heart broken by another boy. I never complained about not getting a text back or not getting enough attention.

I was a homeboy because I the lack sensitivity, compassion, avoid intimacy, and continue the nonchalant attitude of dating as a male. For that I am rewarded as a comrade with my male friends. Maybe this experience has shaped my thoughts on what maleness is in society. Maybe it is more then a learned behavior but apart of some of our DNA. Or maybe its both.

All I know is that I am a bro. I don’t fight it but embrace that I am welcome into a world that is not necessarily defined by body parts.

(Written Anonymously to Protect Privacy)